and not just any job, but a job where i can use my true to life skills that make me HAPPY! holy fucking shit, there is some sort of god. doh!
but anyhoo, you take the good for the bad right? because it seems i could never have a 100% enjoyable life, who could? no no. the number one thing that i've attached myself has become a routine. and it's really pissing me off. what do you do with something that you love more then anything else in the world when the mystery is gone and all actions speak before words? what used to be a year and a half has become 2 years. and what i used to lay my head back in sleepy humor is a serious thing now. i want to sleep and wake up on may 25th, if only to know what the real deal is, because until then it's all a game to me and i'm tired of fucking playing games. this is the first time that i've said i want something so ridiculous, the first time that i've thought, if i can't have this i'll walk away to be alone because basically i am alone if it's not exactly what i want. the first time i watched others accept offers that allure me but never quite fit my missing pieces and wonder if, hey!? is that really what it is that i'm looking for, it's just never happened and i'm pissed off about it?! it's happened, oh it's fucking happened, yet i am bonnie and you are boris creeping up on me slowly with heavy frightened fingers. your words make no sense, yet i'm still rockin' and you're still loving it. duh. you're loving makes me want to drink, because when i drink i forget what's real and what's real is the fact that no matter what you feel, what i feel, it could all change and i'll be back to the first day. it's funny and sad. the happier i am, the more i want to drink. shouldn't it be the opposite?