either things are spiraling downward in my life or i'm settling into a long depression, caused by nothing but the blurry visions and thoughts in my own head. my life is more stable and fulfilling then ever, yet i'm constantly trembling with the anxiety that flows through my body. because of this, the little everyday nuisances take me aback, suffocate my thoughts even more, and bring tears, anger, or aggressive physicalities that i don't understand. i want to talk about it, but i don't know what to say or i don't know anyone who could even begin to understand. mostly, right now, i just need a big warm body to slowly melt away the fragile icicle that i am, rather then slimply tearing me down from my homey little rooftop and stomping me in two.
i never believed in marriage, or at least i thought i didn't. now i realize, it's not that i didn't believe, it's that i believed in it so much. how could it ever be possible for someone like me. someone who always scrapes away the shell searching for the hidden core only to find she hates the core even more then the obvious.
the future is far too big to visualize clearly. people are far too big to visualize clearly. but sometimes you have to say when and love like a brother, a sister, a mother. accept what you know is true, hold it close to heart and just fucking accept it because you know what silence creeps behind the quirks and aging flesh. and they know too, yet they love, they love you so fucking hard. that is true love, and love is life to me. knowing that someone wants to share, comfort, confide, laugh, simply live with you unconditionally for the remainder, well there's really nothing better then that to me.
i have never felt or had this sort of "brotherly" love with a guy who could legally stick a dick in me. until now.
i never thought i could. now i can with this person. it's only a question of if he wants the same.
i don't want to be a nuisance or a bus ride to the next school. my annoying questions and proddings followed by silence or stutters leave me feeling this way at(most) times
and just remember this...it is not what you said, what you did or did not do. it is what she instilled in me day after day when she cried and she prayed. in tears and fiery fists, her mouth smothered shut by her own instillers, her slits of eyes wet and gluey. always always, day after day, night after night, fight after fight, sunday mornings and brown derby outings. i am only a child who can sit and watch and learn and pray that i will help her by never being her one day. i am forever and always that child. she is my core. he is the shell that sometimes makes it hard to see.
i'm glad there are girls like jenna in this world. a bad morning was turned better from her simple voice message. sitting in her car behind another car, the license plate read "white magic". it made her laugh and she thought it might do the same for me. it did. thank you. i look forward to being closer then a white magic phone call in the future.
amusements. the lady behind the counter at 7-11 inquires in a thick accent
"do you like these?"
"do i like these?..." i stare at my big gulp, bottled water, and box of tampons on the counter.
"yes, do you like?" fingers the rectangular blue box
"um, bloody underwear or a diaper? sure, i love em!" well not exactly
"hmmmm, i should try"
my head nods
"how do they work"
"um....." and so i teach the bliss of cotton and cardboard insertion while 2 very dude-like dudes pull corn dogs from the rotating oven.